Truths

After a lot of reflection and writing things out, I’ve realized that Maryville is no longer for me. I hide out in my house so much of the time. There is nothing for me to do here. It is a small town with nothing to do but get into trouble, for me drinkiong and weed and then just sleeping for days at a time. The friends I have had, most have moved on with their own lives… I understand that, but it’s left me stranded and alone. On top of it, most of my family ignores me, maybe it’s easier than dealing with the crazy bipolar black sheep, I don’t know? So I’ve closed my other Facebook. It’s too hard to go on there and see everyone so happy and having babies, and getting married etc. I’ve heard from none of them. Hell, I haven’t even gotten one message from my brother Mike since I saw him at his wedding in spring of 2017….
I’ve been dealing with my depression stuff almost entirely on my own. There are no groups and things in this town. Almost no mental health support at all. My psychiatrist that I see is from St. Joe and comes up here and she has missed FIVE appointments this year when I need to be seeing a doctor every month. I was supposed to see her in early September, when I really needed to see her and she cancelled yet again. I *might* get to see her on the 15th of October, if she shows up.
It’s to the point my GP cut me off half my meds (titrating off them obviously) because I was on nine heavy meds and we didn’t even know what was working anymore and my brain and memory were so foggy is what hard to function. I’ve also had a lot of minor health problems that turned into a massive amount of tests to find out what is wrong. In the end my GP and nurses determined I was just on way too many medications at the same time. They aren’t psych docs but took time over a couple of visits to start weeding out what I don’t need to take or what I’ve been on so long they don’t work, etc. Basically they’ve done more to help than the psychiatrist I’ve had for the last year and a half.
I’m moody right now, but I’m thinking clearer than I have in over six years.My headaches are gone, body aches gone, hand shaking gone, eye twitching gone, etc.
I’m doing a LOT of writing and clearing/ organizing my stuff. And exercising hard every day. It seems to have helped a lot. After the Elton concert in February, I’m saving all my money to help me move, probably to Illinois. I need a life that is more fulfilling. I know I can’t do a lot of the things I want to, because of my mental illness, which I will have for life, but things can be better than this. So I’m giving myself a year to get out of Missouri and somewhere more enriching. I don’t always think that highly of myself but I know I deserve better care and a better life than I’m getting here.

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Angry

Windows 10 did a critical update two days ago and guess what happened today??? It fucking crashed! My nice new 2TB hard drive is fucked and unrestorable. Everything I did since I got it will have to be wiped and it completely reformatted. I’m so angry I’m crying 😭💔🤬 54,000 photos, all my music, writings, links, Elton stuff, games… it’s all going to have to be erased. Even system restore failed. Nothing helps.

I’m sorry but Microsoft should be held responsibler for this shit. It’s the third hard drive their critical updates have shut down on me 😡

-M

Irritated…

For the second week in a row, one of my friends said that I could come over and do laundry, because I’m short on cash. I haven’t been able to do laundry now in almost a month and my dad is coming next week. I don’t want to meet my dad after not seeing him for a year, wearing dirty clothes. How embarrassing would that be.

But for the second time now, after making these plans, she has decided to completely not call me at all. It would be one thing is she let me know she couldn’t but she doesn’t. She just disappears and doesn’t answer her phone or call back. I sat here all morning waiting with my laundry together, for nothing. 😢🤬 This is what I get for depending on people. You think I’d learn my lesson at some point. And if I say anything, then I’m being irrational because I have mental illness. So I just won’t say anything and just not contact her. It’s not worth it. It’s not like she’ll respond anyways. I’m just really annoyed and disappointed. Again.

-M

Lesion Removal

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After months of worrying about it getting bigger, I finally told my doctor about a lesion I had on my toe. I kept thinking, even though it was getting bigger, that it would go away. It wasn’t a mole on top of the skin, it was what looked like an ink smear, under the skin.

Finally I told my doc about it during a doctor’s visit about something unrelated. I wasn’t going to say anything, but on a whim I did. He got a good look at it and said it had to be removed. He didn’t like it. He didn’t think it was melanoma or anything, because it was a slow grower, but still wanted it taken out.

On May 28th I went into a dermatology place here in town on referral and they looked at it. They agreed it should be dug out. So on the spot that’s what they did. It was a 5.5cm black and brown lesion. They were really good about it. The worst was the shot to numb it. Holy cow! That lidocaine shot burned for almost a full minute before it numbed my toe. I had a few choice trucker words while it was kicking in lol… but once it kicked in, I felt absolutely nothing :D

They used a funky tool to dig in there and remove it. Once it was removed they cauterized it which was great. Not only has it kept it from bleeding (until today anyhow) but it kept it from hurting. Hasn’t hurt one bit.

Every day I’ve changed the bandaid as I was instructed, along with using an ointment on it. I’ve pretty much stayed off it as instructed as well, the tiny bits I’ve walked on it, I’ve used sandals and not sneakers.

Today I did walk some, about ten blocks total, in sandals and with the bandaid. I was stir crazy and wanted to walk some. When I got home though… it was bleeding. Right through the bandaid. First it’s done that in the last two weeks. I thought… shit… it was too soon.

Two bandaid changes later and it’s calmed down some. I suspect I dislodged the scab from it being cauterized. Ooops! Didn’t mean to. A bit worried that after two weeks it’s bleeding now though. So I’ll call tomorrow and ask about it.

I’ve never had anything like that done before so I don’t know what is normal.

No results back yet from the testing of what they took off my toe. Hopefully I’ll hear on that soon. My generalized anxiety disorder is going a bit bonkers over it. I’m sure it’s fine though.

-M

Latuda…

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I’m coming off Latuda now, for this exact reason. I talked with my doctor about it and she agreed, to let me come off this medication. For months now I’ve had depressive issues and suicidal ideation linked to this medication. Amazing they prescribe this schizophrenia medication for bipolar when so many end up with problems like this. Of course it isn’t listed on their official website, yet if you start digging around online you end up finding many people end up suicidal on Latuda. It’s not a bipolar medication! Yet they are advertising it for just that. Even in the adverts it lists suicidal ideation under the “side effects” yet encourage doctors to prescribe it anyhow.  Anything for money!

-M

Not Again

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Another one? I read earlier that Anthony Bourdain committed suicide. It just keeps happening. People are always like, oh it’s just a celebrity problem and I’m like, MY ASS. It’s happening all over the country. From teens all the way to the elderly. The teens to thirties group is the worst now followed by the forty to sixty range. And no body wants to to anything about it. Just blame the person when it happens. I have never understood how so many can just ignore or pretend there isn’t a problem when it’s SO huge and so apparent.
I just don’t get it and that frustrates the fuck out of me.
-M

Books

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Books are fantastic. I still like the feel of curling up with my reading light on and Bronte curled at my feet… and a book in my hands to read in the evening. So many adventures, stories, characters… I like movies too but it’s just not the same. I get a lot more of an investment into a character by reading the book. You know what they are thinking, etc. I was an early reader and I read my first scary book, Stephen King of course, at eleven and a half.Pet Semetary. I still remember it because I was home alone and turned out all the lights but one haha. It was SO much fun. At that age, Dad said I read the book in two and a half days. Crazy! I think I was destined to be a huge book fan my entire life. I hope they never go away and that down the road they get the kind of popularity that LP’s are again getting. Books should never go out of style…
-M